Saturday, June 9, 2012

Prometheus Review

I am a huge Alien fan, but I did not enjoy Prometheus.

First, let's start on a good note: Prometheus is visually stunning, the cinematography is gorgeousness, the art and atmosphere are stellar, and the acting is top notch. Technically speaking, it is a very well made film.

Unfortunately the story and screenplay are just f***ing terrible.

The characters are shallow, the dialog is absolutely terrible, the pacing is inconsistent, and the plot is sloppy at best. There are countless elements in the film that get setup but yield absolutely no pay off. Worse still is how many bad plot points there are; things that are completely and utterly illogical or contradictory, and staring the audience right in the face.

Movies do not need to resolve every plot point that they contain, they do not need to explain every event, nor do they need to answer every question that they raise. However this does not excuse plot holes, inconsistency, and bad writing.

Here are 150 unanswered questions that I had after watching Prometheus:

  1. If the space jockeys seeded life on Earth, how did people make cave paintings of them?
  2. What about the seventh piece of cave art was more compelling than the first six?
  3. Why is there a giant holographic display grid in a cargo bay?
  4. How does no one know why they are on this mission?
  5. What makes the main character an expert in the fields of archaeology, ancient civilizations, aliens, and astronomy?
  6. How did the main character convince one of the richest most powerful men in the world of anything by using a series of cave drawings?
  7. Why did the ship not scan the planet before going to land?
  8. How lucky would you have to get to just spot an alien building bu looking out the window?
  9. Why does everyone go out for their first expedition with only 6 hours of daylight left?
  10. How could anyone think that the pyramid was created naturally?
  11. How does the unsealed pyramid have a breathable atmosphere contained in it?
  12. Why is no one worried about taking off their helmets in the alien atmosphere?
  13. Why does no one ask the android to translate any markings?
  14. Where did the fresh goo on the wall come from?
  15. Why does no one ask the android how or why he activated the holographs?
  16. Why did the holographs play back that specific death scene?
  17. What were the space jockeys running from?
  18. Why did the advance automatic door not have a stop sensor like my primitive garage door?
  19. Why does the rock guy not take rock samples?
  20. Why do none of the scientists do anything remotely scientific?
  21. Why is there a giant head in the middle of the room?
  22. Why are the containers spaced around the room?
  23. Why after two thousand years are the containers just starting to ooze now?
  24. How do the two scientists with GPS and map get lost in the caves?
  25. Where did the freak storm come from?
  26. How do the same two guys not hear the radio transmission about the storm?
  27. Why do none of the crew direct them out of the caves?
  28. How does it take them 30 minute to realize they are lost, when everyone else made it back in less time?
  29. How does no one know that the other two didn't make it back, especially given that they took all the vehicles?
  30. Wasn't it supposed to be night time by now?
  31. What does the word quarantine mean in this universe?
  32. How do they know that the alien even has a nervous system that works like ours?
  33. Why would they want to fake the alien nervous system into thinking it is alive?
  34. Why do they stick that thing in the dead alien's ear to stimulate electricity?
  35. Why does waking up the brain also weak up the bacteria?
  36. Why does that make the head blow up?
  37. Why does no one do any more research on the blown up head?
  38. How is the DNA a 100% match if they are not human?
  39. If the DNA is a 100% match, did the space jockeys only seed human life on earth?
  40. If the storm was artificial or triggered by the humans, where did it go?
  41. Why is there a pile of dead space jockeys?
  42. What killed the pile of dead space jockeys?
  43. Where did the think that killed the dead space jockeys go?
  44. If the space jockey busted from the inside, what laid an egg in him?
  45. Where did the egg layer go?
  46. Where did the alien that hatched out of him go?
  47. Why does the captain ask where the two scientists are when they have a giant 3D map that shows exactly where they are?
  48. Why does no one send another probe to investigate the life form readings?
  49. Why does no one go to investigate the life form readings?
  50. Why does no one care about the life form readings?
  51. Why do the scared scientists go back to the room that scared them to go to sleep?
  52. Where did the biologist get that little blanket?
  53. Why do they think the alien worm is cute?
  54. Why does the alien worm have acid for blood?
  55. Why does the alien worm have unreasonably high blood pressure?
  56. How does the alien worm regrow its limbs?
  57. Where does the alien worm go after it kills the scientists?
  58. Why does no one see the video feed from the dead or dying scientists?
  59. How does no one notice the two scientists are dead?
  60. Why does the container have only one drop of black fluid if the other containers are oozing a gallon of goo apiece?
  61. Why would you freeze a bottle of wine?
  62. Why does talking about creating life piss off the main character so much?
  63. Why does the girl have sex with the captain?
  64. Why does the guy not tell anyone about having a worm in his eye?
  65. Why did the survey drone stop at the dead end door if it didn't tell anyone that it was at a door?
  66. Why did that drone detect life in an empty corridor?
  67. Why are the containers in the cargo bay not oozing like the other containers?
  68. Why are the containers in the cargo bay stacked differently than the other containers?
  69. Why does everyone stop caring about the other dead guys and the worms coming out of heads when another guy gets sick?
  70. Why does that guy not just take his helmet off if he want to die?
  71. If she is such a bad ass, why does that girl cry after using the flame thrower?
  72. Why does no one do an autopsy on the mutant body?
  73. How does the other mutant find the ship?
  74. Why did the other guy become a mutant?
  75. Why was he super strong, super fast, and super aggressive?
  76. Why does no one do an autopsy on the other mutant body?
  77. Why is David conducting a medical diagnosis of the main character instead of a doctor?
  78. Why does David need to decontaminate the cross, especially given that she is infected with an alien?
  79. Why doesn't the android just put the main character into cryosleep?
  80. How does the main character knock out the other two doctors?
  81. Why is the surgery capsule not programmed to work on women if it belongs to the other girl?
  82. If the surgery capsule is not programmed to work on women, how does it start working?
  83. How does the main character stay awake with all those pain killers?
  84. Why can the surgery machine not drug the patient?
  85. How do staples heal the tissue and stop the bleeding?
  86. How can the main character walk around after that surgery?
  87. How come no one cares that the main character just aborted an alien?
  88. Where did all of Weylands private medical staff come from?
  89. Weren't some of those doctors knocked unconscious by the main character just a few minutes ago?
  90. Why is Weyland played by a young guy in makeup if he is always old?
  91. What does it matter that the girl is Weyland's daughter?
  92. How does the captain know that this is a weapon facility?
  93. Why would a weapon facility have statues of giant heads?
  94. Why would the space jockeys leave a map that leads to a weapon facility?
  95. How can the main character go adventuring after that surgery?
  96. Why does that main character not care that the android killed her husband?
  97. Why does the android want to kill his maker, especially after helping keep him alive all movie?
  98. What is Weyland's plan when he meets the space jockey?
  99. Why do the space jockeys use flutes to unlock their computers?
  100. When did the android learn to speak space jockey?
  101. What did the android say to the space jockey?
  102. Why did that piss of the space jockey?
  103. Why did the space jockey wait for a few minutes before killing everyone?
  104. Why do bullets not hurt the space jockey?
  105. Why did no one bring a flame thrower?
  106. Why if the space jockey's mission was to kill all humans, was he asleep for thousands of years?
  107. Why, if hyper sleep is used for travel, was the space jockey asleep on a planet?
  108. Why is only one space jockey left alive?
  109. Why did the space jockey not care about any of the other space jockeys?
  110. Why does the space jockey immediately leave to destroy earth if he was arbitrarily woken up?
  111. How do they know the space jockey wanted to wipe out earth?
  112. How do they know the space jockey "changed his mind" about earth?
  113. Why would the space jockey want to wipe out earth?
  114. Why wouldn't the space jockey want to wipe out any other planets?
  115. Why does the space jockey not kill the main character?
  116. How can the main character run after that surgery?
  117. How did they not detect the giant launch doors two feet under the soil?
  118. Why does the girl decide that is the right time to go home and not earlier?
  119. Why does the flight crew decide to be suicidal heroes?
  120. Why does the girl run for the escape pod instead of try to stop the captain?
  121. Why do they throw their hands up before running in to the ship?
  122. How does the alien ship get damaged from the collision but not the fall?
  123. Why do the two girls run in the wrong direction every time?
  124. Why did the main character's suit run out of air so quickly?
  125. How did the baby squid not die earlier?
  126. How did the baby squid get so big?
  127. How did the space jockey survive the crash?
  128. How did the space jockey get out of his ship after the crash?
  129. How did the space jockey find the little escape module?
  130. How did the space jockey survive outside without his iconic helmet?
  131. Why does the space jockey now finally want to kill the main character?
  132. Why does the android wait all this time to finally call and mention that the space jockey is on his way?
  133. How did the android know that is where the space jockey was going?
  134. How does the main character's suit get refilled on air so quickly?
  135. How did the androids body not move during the crash?
  136. How does the android know about all the other ships?
  137. Why does the main character now trust the android again?
  138. If she is repelling down, how did the main character get into the crashed ship originally?
  139. Why does the main character take the androids useless body?
  140. Why didn't the space jockey go to use one of the other ships after he crashed?
  141. Why are there no other space jockeys in any of the other ships?
  142. Why are there no aliens or worms or goo in any of the other ships?
  143. How does the android know how to fly the other ships?
  144. What did the main character use to leave her final message?
  145. Why did the no one ever send any information or progress reports back to earth?
  146. What is the main character going to eat or drink on her voyage?
  147. If this was supposed to setup the original movie, how does the alien get to LV-426?
  148. Why is the alien hatched as a medium size alien instead of a small alien?
  149. If the alien is supposed to be an alien, then why does it not look like an alien?
  150. What questions left by the original 1979 film does Prometheus actually answer?

Ridley Scott used to be my absolute favorite director of all time. Unfortunately his recent streak of mediocre films had lessened my opinion of him, and now this is the final nail in the coffin. Mr. Scott may be a very skilled and highly technical director, but I can just no longer consider him to truly great film maker.

2 / 5


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